Grief brings us many firsts. The first significant day without someone who has passed. The first time we need to talk to them and they aren’t there. The first joy we want to share with them after they have passed. Along with the BAD firsts come many Good firsts. This is one of them.
I grew up in a modest home. When we needed something we found a way to buy it. Often, even when we just wanted something, we found a way to get it, too. But, we didn’t have a lot of money to waste on things we couldn’t use or that didn’t fit. So, buying clothes or shoes was a process. First of all was trying to figure out what size to buy. Until Mom passed away, she was usually with me when I went shopping for clothes or shoes. I don’t have to get shoes very often. Being wheelchair mobile, once my feet are in those shoes, those shoes hardly touch the ground. Thus, it takes me several years to wear them out. But, eventually everything needs replaced, so I‘ve needed a few pairs in my lifetime.
When I got a new outfit Mom would show me something while we were at the store, and if I said I liked it she would pick the correct size and buy it. To this day I sometimes have trouble knowing what size to get. I didn’t even know my undergarment size because Mom used to pick those out for me, too.
Buying shoes was different. The trouble with finding the right shoes is that my feet are small but WIDE. This was especially true when I was little and wore leg braces. The braces were wider than my foot, so I often had to get shoes that were wider than my feet, which made them too long. I don’t wear leg braces anymore. My feet got used to wide shoes that were too long. Smaller shoes that fit properly are hard to find. Even when I was with Mom I had to try shoes on before she would buy them for me.
Since her passing, it has taken me awhile to learn what size fits me best for anything. One day I was in Dollar General and I saw a really cute pair of shoes that were black and gray. I’m sure I didn’t NEED a new pair of shoes. They weren’t fancy. They were inexpensive AND they were really cute. I wore a lot of black and gray, so I decided I DID need them. I was alone, so I wasn’t going to ask just anybody to help me try them on, so I guessed a size. I held that size next to the shoes I had on and decided they might be okay. I decided to go ahead and buy them and take them home to try them on, hoping for the best. I did it! I bought the shoes! I took them home! I had my helper help me try them on…and they fit perfectly! I was so excited, and rather proud of myself!
I trusted Mom’s judgement on a lot of things. That was one of the first times, but certainly not the last, where I had to start trusting my own judgement. Even after all these years I find it difficult to trust my own judgement or the judgement of others, but I’m learning. That has led to a whole bunch of good “firsts” since Mom has passed, and that is exciting!